Wading Through the Murky Water

Recently, a friend copied this from a magazine and posted it on his Facebook page. Then he asked a simple question: “What do women think about this?”

After reading the comments made by men, it was no longer a mystery to me why there are an abundance of single men out there. If these are their expectations, they need a reality check. In my opinion, women just aren’t that difficult to figure out. Seems to me that the guys who came up with the following list are waaay over-thinking it.
It also makes me thank God for my wonderful husband and thank my lucky stars that I found him. I would not want to be a woman my age trying to wade through the murky waters of the dating world.

My responses are in italics.

~~~~~~

Guys want genuine women in their lives. They want to know who you are and what you’re about right from the start. Women don’t want their guy to change mid-relationship, and guys want the same thing from a partner. Knowing this, I’ve compiled a list of the top nine things that my male listeners and readers feel should never, ever be fake about you:

1. Sharing your man’s interests
Often, women will feign interest in activities that they would never normally do in order to get to the first date with a man and to keep things moving along once they’re seeing each other. Don’t go crazy for his favorite football team, develop a love of white water rafting or suddenly crave Ethiopian food if those things simply are not true to your character. He will eventually see through it or be greatly disappointed when he didn’t get the outdoorsy woman that he always dreamed of once you grow tired of it. A man would rather you admit early on that you’d try something new just for his sake than to act like you absolutely love something that you have totally hated all your life.

Now, I do agree with this one but the same rule applies to men. Don’t tell me you enjoy candlelit dinners and long strolls on the beach to watch the sun set if you’d really prefer spending your Saturday watching every single college football game being broadcast on TV.
Women also understand if you don’t like to shop. No, we don’t need you to hold our purses for us while we try on every single dress in the store- we have girlfriends for that. We’re only inviting you to come along to be polite, so you can be honest and tell us if you don’t want to go rather than complain that you’re missing the game the entire time.

2. Friendships with other men
Do not act like your guy friends are purely platonic when you’ve actually dated (or hooked up) in the past with some of them. Guys understand that you can be friends after the romance ends, but they really want to know whether or not Bill, who you have lunch with every day, is simply a work buddy or a former flame. Your boyfriend doesn’t want another guy knowing intimate details about you without his knowledge. Being honest about this area of your life is key in how he chooses to interact with them and whether or not he’ll accept your friendships with these men.

Again, the same rule applies to men. If you’re having lunch every day with the same girl you used to bang on a regular basis, you really should mention that. In this case, omitting the fact that she was your friend with benefits is the same as lying. And don’t be surprised if your girlfriend isn’t okay with you continuing to have lunch with this woman, no matter how much you swear you’re not sleeping with her any more. Women understand that men can have female friends but women also don’t want to feel like they have to compete with the ghosts of girlfriends (or booty calls) past.

3. What you want out of the relationship
Be clear about what you want out of love. Do not tell him that you want something casual when you know that you have already planned the wedding out in your head. Don’t say you want to settle down when you are juggling 10 other guys on the side. He wants to know what the goal is in your dating game so that he can decide whether or not to continue playing along. Also, easing into a relationship doesn’t guarantee that you will be able get something deeper going down the road with him if you change your mind.

Men talk about wanting to know what she’s expecting but, in reality, men have got to admit that sometimes this scares the bejeebus out of them. “Oh no, not me!” you say? Really?
Think about it… If you’re on the first date and you ask her what she’s expecting from your relationship and she says, “Well, I’m looking to get married and have children eventually” you’re going to tuck tail and run for the highest hills because all you heard was “married” and “children.” Even if she didn’t necessarily mean that she wanted to marry you or have children with you; she just meant she wants those things eventually… that sort of info is probably going to be a deal-breaker, especially to a man who isn’t ready for a commitment of that magnitude. So, men, be careful how you ask this and be prepared for the honest answer.
Also, women talk… a lot. If your new woman is someone you met at work and you’ve also dated other women at work, don’t think she doesn’t already have the scoop on you. Women compare notes on just about everything. So if you’re juggling 10 women on the side, chances are, she already knows you’re a player and knows what to expect from a relationship with you.
Additionally, if you know from day one that all she’ll ever be to you in a great lay, tell her that. This isn’t 1951- Some women are perfectly okay with a strictly sex-only arrangement. However, it’s not fair to string a woman along with expectations of white dresses, picket fences and minivans if you know from day one that there never will be.

4. Your opinion on his circle of friends
Do not act as though you like his friends and family when you really don’t. Men have been caught in this trap many times by believing their woman was comfortable around — and even enjoyed spending time with — their inner circle, only to find out months later that she was actually miserable. He would much prefer that you were honest about which people you enjoy being around and which ones you don’t care for. Many relationships are lost when an annoying friend or family member is always around. Let him know your true feelings about his circle so that he can make adjustments to make you more comfortable.

Again, if you ask the question, be prepared for the answer. While you might find your buddy Bob entertaining as hell, it doesn’t necessarily make it so.
If she doesn’t like your inner circle of friends and family, try to find out why. Maybe your buddy Bob has a really nasty habit that you’ve overlooked over the years because you’re a guy. Women notice different things than men do.
If it’s a problem with her liking your parents, again, you need to find out why. (If you’re 38 and still live with Mommy, that’s a different problem altogether- so for argument’s sake, I’m going to assume that isn’t the case.)
I know all men like to think that their mothers are saintly and couldn’t possibly be rude to their g/f but I assure you this isn’t always true. Women can be vicious, especially moms reacting to what they perceive as a threat to their relationship with their son.
If you’ve made it to the stage where you’ve introduced her to your family, then there is likely something there. She’s trying her best to fit in and get along and probably won’t tell you what she really thinks of your mother for fear of pissing you off. But stop and consider what kind of person your mom is. Does she like to get into other people’s business and try to run things? Does she gossip about everyone? Does she “always know best”? Be brutally honest with yourself in your evaluation and try to see things from your g/f’s point of view.
If you’ve done all that and your g/f is just being a bitch, then you need to find someone else. Peter Pan syndrome notwithstanding, it’s not fair for a woman to ask her man to choose between her and his family.

5. Your overall look
Men love a beautiful woman, whether she’s all natural or full-on glam. However, most feel that you should be just as stunning at 6 a.m. as you were the previous night out at dinner. Men get the magic of makeup, heels and even Spanx — but they want the “natural” you to be just as captivating. Plus, they want you to be just as confident and sexy without all those props as you are with them.

This one really made me laugh. In what parallel universe would someone have to be living in for this one to be even remotely fair? Men are all about women looking beautiful in every situation- from dinner with the fam to hiking in the woods- but if it’s all about appearances to you, then you need a reality check.
While it’s true that there are some women who roll out of bed without a lick of makeup and look like a million bucks, those women are few and far between. The reality is: women aren’t going to be picture-perfect every hour of every day and guess what? Neither are you. Men don’t exactly roll out of bed looking like a Calvin Klein underwear model- it takes effort. I totally get a man wanting his woman to look nice and take pride in her appearance and I’m absolutely not saying its okay for a woman to “let herself go” but men need to be aware that this rule works both ways. And if you want us to be ourselves, don’t expect Hollywood’s version of perfection.
Additionally, if you’re going to take a relationship further than the dating stage, you need to be aware that it’s not going to be all wine and roses. One day, you’re eventually going to have to hold her head up over the trash can while she spews chunks. If you take it far enough that you have children together, you’re going to see her at her very worst b/c let me tell you, there is nothing remotely sexy about giving birth.

6. What goals you’d like to achieve in the future
Don’t approach him as a high-powered career girl and then, once you move in together or get married, decide to quit working to stay home all the time. Men like to feel that they know what type of partner you will be down the road, and if you are secretly hiding a passion to work abroad, become a soccer mom, or dig into a few more degrees, he needs to know this so that he can make a more informed decision about your overall relationship compatibility. The truth is, he has a picture of the “ideal” family life in his mind — just like you do.

I absolutely agree with this one and again, it works both ways. If a man has always had a secret compulsion to dress as a clown and hand out balloons in the park instead of use the law degree he earned, he really needs to decide that before the relationship progresses. I can’t imagine that a woman would be very happy with suddenly having to be the sole breadwinner unless that was part of the plan to begin with.
Also, if you know before the children arrive that she’s adamant about staying home with the babies rather than sending them to a daycare for someone else to raise, don’t act all surprised and upset when she quits her job to do just that. No, you might not be able to afford that Porsche anymore but there isn’t room for an infant car seat in a Porsche anyway.

7. Your desires in the bedroom
Some women pull out all of the “big guns” in the bedroom early in the relationship only to cool things down once a man’s hooked. Men feel that the way a relationship starts out sexually is where it should stay, and if you are playing around and pretending to be something you’re really not in order to get a ring, he will be devastated. Be your true self in the bedroom and you’ll have a better chance of building a sustainable relationship.

This one made me laugh, too, but not for the reason you might think. I agree with men on this. Don’t be all about being his “every fantasy” woman in the bedroom if that’s not who you really are. My great grandmother told me when I got married, “Don’t start something now that you don’t want to have to do for the rest of your lives together.” How right she was! She also said, “Don’t ever tell him no for sex.” A lack of sex seems to be the primary complaint of men in general. Women also need to learn to change it up a bit so their man doesn’t get bored. Missionary with the lights off = boredom after a while.
However, men also need to be open for (constructive!) criticism. Men don’t like to hear that they’re not hitting the spot but women also don’t like to have to fake it. If she’s not moaning, you need to ask why and ask HER what you can do to make it better- don’t go buy a magazine or watch a movie for tips. “Oh, I can’t ask her that! It’s too intimate!” you say? Well, excuse me, but you’re in bed naked with this woman- what’s more intimate than that? How do you know she won’t tell you if you don’t ask her?

While we’re on this subject, I’d just like to point something out to men- If your woman isn’t bisexual (or doesn't have any bisexual tendencies whatsoever) at the beginning of a relationship, the chances that she’ll miraculously want to suddenly bury her face between another woman’s legs are slim to none. If you MUST have this fantasy fulfilled in order to live out the rest of your life, you need to keep looking for the right woman to have it with b/c your current woman ain’t it.

8. What you find attractive about him
Why are you interested? Why are you there? If you’re interested in him only because he is a fabulous lover, tell him that. If you are only interested in him because he is powerful and successful, be honest about that, too. Most men (like women) know their strong points and their weaknesses. He’ll know what really see in him and will be greatly surprised if your actions and words line up with his thoughts. Bottom line, he wants to know what attracted you in the first place so that he can maintain it and keep you interested over time.

Bottom line: everyone likes to have their ego stroked. If he’s handsome, tell him that. If he’s rich & successful, well, he already knows that. On the same note, if he’s all about “tell me more about me” then she needs to run. Fast. In the other direction.

9. Your romantic history
Be clear about your past relationships and love history. He wants to know who he should be on the lookout for, who hurt you the most, which one is “the one that got away” and who you still have to deal with regularly because of things like kids, a job or a family member. Men do not want to be surprised by your past lovers, and they also want to try to avoid doing the things that let you down or hurt you in the past with other men.

As far as sexual partners go… Women appreciate honesty in this department as well. Don’t tell her the standard “I’ve been with six women” lie if you’ve really been with more than you can actually remember. If you’ve had some lovers you can’t recall, just say, “You know, there are a couple times I was so hammered, I could have nailed Kublai Khan and I wouldn’t remember it.” Honesty IS the best policy in this case.
Conversely, if you want to know about her past, be careful of what you’re asking. If you want her to be honest, you need to be prepared for the answers. She may just tell you that she’s been with 48 guys and several were at the same time. If you can’t handle that, don’t ask to begin with. Men need to be more realistic about women and their sex lives. It’s not fair for men to be able to “sow their wild oats” but not expect that their woman might have also done some wild-oat-sowing of her own. Most women have a past, too, and the chances of a man finding a lily-white virgin in this day and age are pretty darn slim.
As far as previous relationships… women don’t want to be surprised by your previous relationships, either. We like to know in advance if we’re going to run into your ex at the office Christmas party. We need to be prepared for that sort of situation. It’s also nice to know if you’re not completely over your ex wife or g/f. It’s one thing to casually date when you’re on the rebound but please make it clear that’s all there is. We don’t want to devote time and attention to a man whose heart isn’t in it.