By Next Week, All Will be Well

08/18/08

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.

-Elizabeth Stone
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Well, it's that time again! First day of school! I'd love to say I am jumping up and down excited because we'll be getting back into our normal routine; but I'm not.
Daniel seems to be very happy to be going back to school. He woke up chipper and chatty this morning. Which isn't so far out of the norm for him since he usually wakes up happy. But this morning he was extra excited. I did my very best to feign enthusiasm all the while feeling something I can only describe as conflicted.

I have no idea what is wrong with me! I've done this twice before! I should be thrilled that he's going back to school, if for nothing else than I'll have a little time to myself in which I can do whatever I want.

Instead, I found myself dreading the walk from the car to the school.
"Good Lord! Where has the time gone? We JUST brought him home from the hospital! I cannot believe he's already 6! How did this happen?! Did I just blink and miss the last 6 years? " I think as we're walking up towards the front gates.

"Come on buddy, your class is this way!" I say in my best enthusiastic voice. And I find myself desperately trying to swallow the inexplicable lump that has formed in my throat.
"OMG, can't we walk just a little slower?" That tiny mommy-voice whispers.

"There is your class right up there! " I say as we spot many familiar faces in the throngs of parents walking their children to their classes.
"Why can't it be farther away so I can put off leaving him for just a little while longer?"

"Good morning Mrs. Scott! This is Daniel. Remember we came on Friday?" I say as we open the door.
"You were my top pick for this year. I hope to God you're as good as they all say you are."

"Ok! I'll be back in a few hours!" I say with far more exuberance than I am feeling.
"HOURS? Did I just say 'hours'? Do I really intend to leave my precious child with this near-stranger for several hours?! Maybe I'd better stay, just for a little while anyway."

She seems to sense what I am feeling and reassures me, "Don't worry, Mom. Daniel will be just fine. He seems to be such a sweet boy."
"He IS a sweet, sensitive boy. And I know you have children too, but THIS one is mine and he means more to me than I could ever describe. PLEASE take care of him and treat him like you love him as much as I do. PLEASE keep him safe. I am trusting YOU with this child of my heart, please be kind to him. Understand that he's just a little boy and I know you've probably taught hundreds of other little boys, but this one is MINE and he is special." I want to say all of this, but I do not; lest she see how close to tears I am.

"He will be fine!" I tell myself and I know in my heart that he really will be.

But I still have to fight the sudden urge to take him with me that is threatening to overwhelm me.
He can start 1st grade next year. He doesn't have to go this year. We'll homeschool! Yeah, that's it! Homeschool! Then I remember the myriad reasons why we don't homeschool and I turn back towards the exit before I talk myself into staying for just a little while longer.

I left the school feeling sad and happy all at the same time. Happy for him because he's starting a new adventure in life; sad for me because time is passing at warp speed and I am powerless to slow it down. I still remember 1st grade and the teacher I had. Her name was Mrs. Carolyn Terry and I adored her. I still remember which row I sat in and I remember that we had these fun flip-top desks that none of the other classes in the entire school had. Ours were special and she made each of us feel special by encouraging our individual strengths. She was the kind of teacher Daniel needs this year. He is SO much like me at his age.
First grade is going to be fun for him and I know it is. His teacher comes highly recommended by other teachers, the PTA chairperson and other parents. She seems to be a very kind, motherly-type lady. Her classroom has a happy feel to it and she seems to be a very organized person. He even has two of his best friends from Kindergarten in his class.
I just wish I didn't feel so… so… eh; I don't really know HOW I feel. A little sad, a little happy, a little blue, a little relieved and a little bit old, I guess. This is a good thing! "I just have to hang in there."

I went to the grocery store and really couldn't focus on what I needed. I forgot nearly half of my list. I found myself standing in the makeup section for a full 10 minutes before I realized that I didn't need any makeup today. I came home and attempted to convey my feelings to Dan, but he just scoffed in his usual way. "Oh come on, Cari! He's just fine and you're just being silly!" Gee, thanks for the morale support. Just a teeny bit of understanding or a warm hug would have helped. But he did put the groceries away so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Anyway, tomorrow won't be nearly as bad I'm sure. It will only get easier as the week progresses. I'll look back on today and laugh at myself for being such a goob. By next week, all will be well. "One can only hope."