Black Friday

01/10/07
I finally did it! I joined the millions of half-crazed Black Friday shoppers for the first time this past year. Wow, what an experience! I simply have to write about it, because I am still reeling over the idea that I actually did it. Me, the one who can come up with a million and one excuses why we don't really need bread or milk, just so I don't have to get dressed and venture out to the supermarket.

I have to say; if you've never done it, you ought to. Just once anyway, before you die. I honestly felt pretty stupid at 4:29 that morning when I woke up bleary-eyed & tail dragging. Thoughts of "my Lord, I must be really dumb" to "is there anyone alive at this hour?" to "if they are alive, I hope they're not waiting outside my house for my door to open" started running through my mind. I did manage to run a brush through my hair and brush my teeth before I threw on some warm clothes and ran out the door. (Thank goodness for the warm clothes… you'll see why in a moment.) The car even protested being made to move that early by not giving me heat until I was pulling into the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Anyway, thinking there couldn't possibly be THAT many nuts out there shopping at 5am, I was shocked to see that the parking lot was jam-packed. I don't mean it was filling up, I mean I had to park past that imaginary "oh-man-I-really-don't-want-to-park-THIS-far-out" line that everyone has. If everyone didn't have one of those, there would be no one circling the parking lot 18 times to find one of the coveted first-five-spots-in-any-row. Anyway, as I pulled into the parking lot, I actually saw an RV. Do people really camp out in the Wal-Mart parking lot in order to beat the rushing crowd? If they do, then there really are crazier people in this world than I imagined. Which is kinda scary if you think about it. Anyway, I digress. After parking, I realize that there are people RUNNING to the front of the store. No, they weren't "'moseying' on up" to the doors 'cause it was pretty chilly, these people were actually sprinting to the front of the store. Why? I have no clue. Presumably to get a "good" shopping cart (hereafter referred to as "buggies")… or maybe they were simply excited to get into the thick of the throng of people who were milling about waiting for the 5:00am announcement when the black plastic wrap can be removed from the towers of items whispering "buy me, buy me." I know they were whispering it because I heard them. Otherwise, how did some of the items that I had no intention of purchasing somehow make their way into my buggy anyway? Since I know they didn't suddenly sprout wings and fly into my buggy, I must have picked them up. I don't exactly remember doing it. I was delirious at the time, I tell you! At least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Amid the TV's, DVD players, DVD's, toys galore, clothes, toasters, coffee makers, and every other small appliance imaginable, are all these people with an eerie gleam in their eyes. I couldn't decide if it was the Christmas spirit I saw or something else. Perhaps it was the same "Holy cow, I can't believe I'm standing in Wal-Mart at 4:47am when I could be at home in a nice warm bed sleeping" that I know I was feeling. That was certainly what I was thinking anyway. That, and "Wow do I really wish I had some Visine right about now…. I must look like hell… ah, who cares, all of these people look like I do right now… geez, she looks worse… the sun isn't even up…last time I came to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night, one of the kids was sick and I was in pajamas hoping I didn't see anyone I knew… thank goodness that's not why I'm here today… normally I'd be going to pee right about now and thanking God I've got another 2 hours to sleep… oh man, that lady's got 2 buggies, what an idiot!… what could she possibly need 2 buggies for?… ooh, there's a neat TV… what do we need another TV for?… yikes, this guy next to me has some serious coffee breath… I wish he'd stop trying to make conversation..." Then I heard it. "ATTENTION CUSTOMERS, IT IS NOW 5AM… LET THE BLITZ BEGIN!" The black plastic wrap was removed and by-golly it began. Those DVD players scattered like roaches when the lights are suddenly switched on. It was then that I realized that I was standing next to the wrong tower of items that I wanted to buy. Oops! Rookie Mistake Number 1. Chalk that one up to experience and make a mental note for next year.

I ran (yes, ran, lest I be trampled by the other running shoppers) towards the tower I needed to be at and grabbed a TV. Which, at the time, I had no idea what I would use it for, but it was only $60.00! I don't know about you, but I can make up a plausible excuse for buying a TV that only costs $60.00. Then I found the TV that I came in for, (no, the $60.00 one wasn't a planned purchase) and proceeded to try to fit it into my buggy. With all the people cramming and shoving and pushing and pulling, it was a difficult task, to say the least. What if I set down the TV on the ground and someone thought I didn't want it? A nasty little catfight would break out right there in the middle of Wal-Mart, and I didn't want to go to jail that day… not over a TV anyway. After figuring out how to balance the one TV between my feet while I fit the other one into the buggy, I was all set. However, I couldn't see over the top of my buggy. At this point I remembered vaguely having called some woman an idiot for having 2 buggies. Clearly, this woman was an experienced Black Friday shopper and had done this before. It was while I was rearranging my shopping cart that I realized I didn't actually need that travel cup of coffee I'd brought; nor my purse, which I hadn't thought to leave in the car. Rookie mistake number 2. Mental note: next year just put the credit cards in your pocket and nix the coffee.

Anyway, as I went through the store I did find some fantastic deals and sales that I simply couldn't pass up. I even picked up a Cabbage Patch doll and toyed with the idea of buying it simply because it was only 10 bucks. Then I remembered that I have two boys who don't play with dolls. The following mental argument between my sensible mom and my giddy shopper took place: "Hmm… I could get it anyway… you never know when you'll need a gift for a kid… NO, Cari! You CANNOT purchase that doll! You DO NOT need it! But why? It's on SALE!!!" Delirious emphasis on that last word: SALE! After the sensible mom won the argument, I quickly made my way to the front of the store and got the heck out of there. Then came Rookie Mistake Number 3 (or was it technically number 1, since it'd been committed before I actually left home?) People, when you're going shopping at something called a BLITZ, you'll want to clean out the back of your car (or Jeep, in my case) and take out the children's car seats and lay the back seats down if possible. You WILL be needing the room. I got out to my Jeep and realized that the 2 very large TV's that I purchased will not fit into my Jeep unless I get really creative about fitting them in there. Besides the fact that I have 3 of those everything-but-a-garbage-can-will-fit in them shopping bags jam-packed full of other goodies; I just didn't see how I could possibly fit everything in, even if I held it in my lap. However, after some super-creative shoving and nonsensical pleading with items to fit in the car, I was finally in the driver's seat and on my way to the next store.

(I know it must be a moving vehicle or road violation of some sort to have that many things floating willy-nilly in your car while you're driving, but I had no choice.)

Yes, folks, I actually went to a second store. I figured, "What the hell? I'm already up and out, I might as well see what the other stores have for sale." I pulled into the Target parking lot and realized I'd committed rookie mistake number 4: I had no idea what time the store would be opening. Since it was 5:30AM and the line to get into the store was already starting to wrap around the building, I figured I'd better get into line quickly, lest those people in front of me get to the "good stuff" before I got there. Here is where the aforementioned warm clothing came in handy. I stood in line for half an hour in the damp chilly morning air waiting for the store to open wondering just what sort of fool I was for standing out there at that hour. Not to mention the silly thoughts of "Hmmm, what if this is all some sort of obscene joke and the Candid Camera people are going to come running around the side of the building and make us all sing that "Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut" song from those Almond Joy commercials?" running through my head. It's funny what sort of odd and random things run through your mind when you're sleep-deprived.

It is also truly amazing the camaraderie that takes place between people while waiting in line for something. I had conversations with several strangers in which I learned everything I needed to know about them (and more) including the drawn-out tale of the back surgery a dog named Lucy had to have. Lucy is a 9 year-old Dalmatian-mutt, by the way. Who knew dogs could have back surgery?

Anyway, there I go digressing again. 6:00AM rolled around and we all made our way into the store; I suddenly felt the need to Moo. Buggies in front, pushing gently on the people in front of us, determined to cut off those late arrivals of people who hadn't stood in line freezing their Christmas ornaments off with the rest of us and sharing stories of dogs named Lucy. They didn't really think we'd let them cut ahead of us, did they? I've never felt more like cattle in my entire life.

I didn't find near as much in Target that I was interested in. Mainly because they have a Starbucks in there and the scent of freshly-brewed strong coffee permeates the store. It just served to remind me that I hadn't stopped to eat anything before I went out. Rookie mistake number 5, I think… or something like that. Anyway, after I'd finished my shopping, (which, by the way, wasn't near as easy as Wal-Mart had been considering Wal-Mart gives you clearly marked maps of where the good stuff is located) I scooted out of that store and decided to hit Chick-Fil-A before heading to K-Mart and Tuesday Morning. Both of which were busts. I should have consulted that 4 inch-thick stack of flyers I saw in the newspapers the 3 consecutive Sundays before Thanksgiving, before venturing out.

I was back home by 7:15AM. Honestly, no one at my house would have been the wiser since they were all still asleep when I slipped back into bed. Uhm, yes, I went back to bed. (This body isn't accustomed to doing anything more than stagger to pee at 4:30AM.)

In all, it was an experience I won't forget. I think this year, (oh heck yeah I'll be going again, are you kidding?) I will plan a lot better. Perhaps planning a clear-cut method of attack: Decide which store to hit first, what items I want, and then head to Cracker Barrel for an order of delicious and nutritious "Mama's French toast." No more rookie mistakes. But it would be much more fun if I had someone to go with. Any volunteers? Breakfast is on me!