Snake Brooms and Christmas Trees

1/26/07

You know, when you see the line "so then we opened the back door and put the snake out" it makes you do a re-read. I know you know what I mean… when you think you misread so you go back to the beginning of the sentence and read it again. After reading that line, the first thing I think is, "Dear God! There was a SNAKE in your HOUSE?" Notice how the tone of your voice goes up about 2 octaves when you say that last word? It's because unless you raise snakes or keep one as a pet, it's more than a little creepy to realize there was a SNAKE in someone's house, let alone YOUR house. Yes, I was raised on a horse and cow ranch and yes, it's in the middle of the country where we have lots and lots of snakes, but I can only think of once in the last 30 years that we found one in the house. It's just not your every-day occurrence, know what I mean?

I tell you all this so I can relate what happened to us a few weeks ago as I was taking down the Christmas tree. Yes, it took me till the first week of January to get the thing down. Is that terrible? Yeah, I guess it is. Ever notice how it seems to take days and days to get all of the Christmas items out and get your house decorated "just so"; while it only takes 24 hours to get all the same items packed back into the boxes and back up into the attic when Christmas is over? I think it's because by the time Christmas is over, I'm so sick of looking at it all that I just yank it all down and shove it into whatever box it'll fit into just to get it out of my sight. But that's a subject for another blog… back to the snake.


I had taken all of the items off the tree… ting-ting, ornaments, tinsels, garlands, etc., and was just coming to the very last light string. In fact, the entire last string was nearly off except one little loop around the very tip-top branch of the tree. I was up in a chair, pulling the tree towards me so I could undo that last loop, when I saw it. It was a baby corn snake. Yes, I know it was a baby because it's Mama would have made me pee my pants had it been her I saw instead of it. Apparently adult corn snakes can get pretty large and this little guy was only about 10 inches long and as big around as my little finger. My very first reaction was something I'm quite certain was pretty comical to see. I let go of the tree, came down off the chair and did some sort of little jumping up and down dance while I managed to sing-song "THERE IS A SSSSNAKE AT THE TOP OF THE TREE-EEE-EEE!"


Dan and the boys just sort of sat there looking at me like I'd lost my mind. Apparently, he thought I'd simply seen another spider. As you all know, I am arachnophobic. Had it been a spider, my reaction would have been much different. The neighbors two streets over would have known I'd seen one had it been a spider. ("Mama, the crazy lady 2 streets over saw another spider and she's screaming like a banshee again!")


Meanwhile, I'm jumping up and down saying, "Didn't you hear me? There is a SNAKE at the top of the tree-eee!" (My voice tends to rise to just shy of a screech when I am frightened.) As a rule, I'm not generally scared of snakes. (I swear, I'm really not) It just really, really startled me. I mean, I'd been in and around the branches of the tree for the previous hour pulling things off and I hadn't seen him. Now, had it fallen on top of my head as I was shaking various branches to get things off the tree, it wouldn't have been a "jig" I would have danced. I would have probably hurt myself flinging it as far away from me as possible. I guess the point is, I certainly wasn't expecting to see him. I mean, WHO is EVER expecting to find a snake at the top of the Christmas tree for goodness sake? Besides, I've got 2 little boys who love to collect snails and will learn to catch lizards, I don't have time to be afraid of a snake.


(Spiders are a much different beast, so don't get me started. For one, they've got 8 legs… count 'em… EIGHT legs! That's just not natural! They eat their young if they feel like it! They eat their mates after mating! They suck the fluid out of bugs! They have too many eyes! Dammit, they're creepy! Do I really need to a reason to justify my fear of spiders? I'm sorry… they're simply not welcome at my house. Anyway, this is another blog entirely.)


Once I had to moment to catch my breath and assess the situation, I was able to calmly call my Daddy to figure out what to do. Since I'd had a VERY good look at it, however fleeting, I described it to him. Amid snickers and giggles, he said it was probably just a corn snake and had come in when we brought the boxes back in the house to pack the Christmas things away. Either that, or it was in the firewood on the back porch and had come inside when we had the door open earlier in the day. (Thank goodness for Daddies; by the way… whom else would I call when I find a snake in the top of the Christmas tree?) Then he told me that he'd have given his right arm if he could have seen the look on my face and subsequent jig I did when I saw it. Hardy har har. Keep in mind, my father is terrified of snakes himself and actually probably would have had a hemorrhage of some sort had it been him at the top of the tree. He'd have hurt himself trying to get away from it.


Anyway, after I hung up the following conversation took place while staring up at the tree:


"I wonder where it came from?"

"Probably from the boxes we just brought in."

"What if it has brothers and sisters up there or in here somewhere?"

(Glances around the living room)

"Uh oh… what if it's MAMA is in here somewhere?!?"

(Suddenly it became very urgent to remove the tree from the house)

"Are you SURE it's a corn snake?"

"Yes, that's what Daddy says."

"But he isn't here, go look it up and make sure."

(After Google confirms it)

"Well, it says they're friendly, maybe I can just catch it and put it out."

"You mean with your hands? You're not Terri Irwin, Cari, you can't catch that thing! What if you drop it or it bites you? Let's just throw the tree out into the yard." (Raises eyebrows)

"Uhm, D, that tree is 10 feet tall, after the struggle it was to get it into the house, I don't think we can just pick it up and toss it out into the yard without shaking the snake out on top of one of us. Or worse, what if it gets off the tree and crawls under something… it would be worse than when the skink was under the fridge… we've gotta get it out on the first try!"

"Ok, what do you have in mind?"


Then, as if a light bulb came on over my head like it does in the cartoons, I remembered that fantastic must-have item that every housewife since the beginning of time has possessed: the broom. Talk about a multi-tasker! Brooms should be required items on every bride's registry. They can clean the floors, the walls, and the ceilings; they can be used to smash all sorts of insects including spiders. They can be turned around and used to prop open doors and such. They make a superb weapon when you think you hear something in the middle of the night. ("Whoever you are, I've got a BROOM, and I'm not afraid to use it!") You can even test the doneness of your cake by simply plucking out a single straw and inserting it in the middle, although, I wouldn't recommend it. (Just for the record, I use clean toothpicks.) I've also been told some women can even ride them. In fact, I know of one ex-boyfriend's mom who did ride a broom. I know she did because I saw it. Boy, did that woman hate me! Anyway, I digress.


I grabbed my trusty broom, told D to open the back door and proceeded to gently lift the snake off the top of the tree and escort it out to the flower garden. It was quite simple, really, once I realized it was just a baby corn snake. Poor little guy was trying to get onto the ceiling to get down out of the tree. He wanted out as much as we wanted him out. We haven't seen him since. I felt really sorry for him considering he was pretty harmless. In fact, several websites say that if you're gonna have a snake for a pet that a corn snake is the way to go because they're friendly and easily tamed. Although, I can't imagine ever wanting a snake for a pet… just not my thing.


Now, I know what you're thinking if you've read my previous blogs: "Man, they sure do get a lot of critters in their house." It's because we open up all the windows and doors when the weather is nice. Something is bound to run in when you've got open doors and windows… it just better have 4 or less legs, that's all. Otherwise, it's gonna meet my buddy, the broom.